Okay, sorry for the long lack of updates.
I broke up with Josh on.. the first of May? Yeah, it sucked for awhile.
But I'm doing much, much better now. :) I've realized that I can get along just fine without him.
Then I started having sex with Fawn's brother.. a couple of weeks ago? Yeah, it's been nice. He's older, but oh well. He's an excellent lay, and he's really cool and sweet to me.
However, this means I've been spending much more time at Fawn's house, and Fawn's house is FULL of empty calories and horrible, horrible food. So I've gained a couple of pounds. Ugh.
I got down to 162.2, though. and that's EXCELLENT. I'm probably at like 164 or 165 right now. ICKY ICKY ICKY ICKY ICKY!
I need to fast for a couple of days, at least. Get my stomach nice and shrunken again, haha. I haven't had anything to eat since this morning.. but my stomach's kind of upset. Oh well. NO FOOD FOR ME. ARGH.
In other news, I bought an acoustic guitar and a vibrator online. Hooray! haha. I'm going to rule the universe.

I left on Wednesday.
Couldn't take the bullshit anymore. Everything was just too shitty and I was way too depressed.
I haven't really eaten anything since I left and I don't think I can. so I'm not going to.
I'm just shaky, and I'm in and out of crying fits.
Josh is going to get home at 4, and everyone said he was really worried. That wasn't something I really wanted. I wanted Josh to think I was just at my mom's or something and I wanted my mom to think I was just over at Josh's. Which she did, for awhile.
I was going to stay gone until Sunday, which would have been nice, but last night my mom was freaking out and calling me and saying that she was going to call the cops. So I told her I'd come home.
Next time I run off, I don't bring the cell phone. Ugh.
My back is killing me from driving for like 4 hours today.
And I'm not sure where things are going to go from here, so I think I'll just get dressed, take a bunch of Tylenol, and blowdry my hair, because there's nothing else I can do to distract myself from feeling absolutely horrid.

I think things may just about be over for Josh and I.
I don't want them to be, but I think that's just how it's going to be. =/
We haven't had sex in almost a month, and I've been so depressed and he ignores me all the time and he never wants to spend time with me. u.u
Ahh. It doesn't feel like he loves me anymore..
It's been almost 2 years, why now? =/
and I'm so close with his family and everything, and I'm getting used to it, and I love him...
but I don't think it's going to work.
I'm so scared.
I can't stop crying.
this is horrible.

I'm at it again! Aaaahhahaha!

s1rawiswar: why bad talk
camerasandcigarettes: you retard!
s1rawiswar: ok sucka suck my dick
camerasandcigarettes: I hope you get herpes, hahahaha

I'm so damn high...

s1rawiswar: what is herpes mean
BUZZ!!!

stupidhead. :D I'll probably add more late because I'm crazy and high. XD

I am so incredibly exhausted.
I just spent the last two hours walking to get back to my apartment.
I was over at my mom's house, doing some work for her. I finished up, but I didn't have my car(or license, oops), so I decided I was going to go outside, lie on the grass, and sunbathe for a bit, because it's nice and warm outside. I go outside to make sure it's not cold or anything, and on the way back in I notice a wasp and a giant spider blocking the door. Now, I'm terrified of anything with more than four legs, so I'm a little freaked out and don't know how to get back inside.
The wasp flies off, spider's jumping around on the door, and I notice a wasp's nest in the doorway, with more wasps! Great.
There was absolutely NO WAY I was going back through that door, so I decided to walk home. Without my phone, or my keys, or anything, really.
Anyway, I haven't eaten yet today which is good. I'm drinking some Gatorade, I'm about to smoke some marijuana, and I love cigarettes.
I'm also very sweaty and dirty. woo.

My mom took me out to Dynasty Buffet. Ugh. -_- I didn't even eat 'til I was full, though, which is good.
I had a lot of shrimp, just the peel-and-eat kind. A couple of pieces of sweet and sour chicken (minus sauce, but I shouldn't have had anything fried), some egg noodles, and a ton of green beans. I thought that would be it...
but then I went and got sushi(which was AMAZINGLY good) and some oranges and grapes.
I didn't really eat too much or eat anything too unhealthy, so at least I can say that.
But I still ate. :( Gross. Now I'll have to poop. More gross.
I really hate pooping, just because I know I left that food in my system for too long. Ugh.
Enough ranting, and my stomach is aching with hunger. Good. That's the way it should be.

I've decided that I want to go to beauty school now, before I go to college. :)

I don't know, and I don't know how much more I can handle.
This is all from the heart, but where is my heart? It isn't in anything. I don't know where it is.
I can't think, can't focus, got too much to do but not enough time to do it all.
But do I have too much time to do absolutely nothing?
This is where I'm at, and it's not where I'd like to be.
11 minutes have passed, but it only felt like 2. What in the hell is going on?
I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know anything.
I feel frustrated, feel hurt, feel abandoned, feel used.
Feel sad.
Feel hopeless.
Feel dull.
Empty.
Vapid.
Retarded.
Where is everything that I love and I love doing?
Where did my passions go? Where did drawing just for the sake of drawing go?
I don't feel like anything; I'm in a rut.
I'm angry, but I'm confused.
I don't even know what I'm angry about.
I have no money, and it'll probably stay that way for awhile.
My birthday is soon, but do I even want to have my birthday? I'm nervous. Scared. What the hell?
A birthday is something you're supposed to be excited about. Presents, cake, candles, fun, happiness.
But all I can think is my mom.
I feel bad for leaving my mom all alone. She's probably depressed. I imagine her crying at night, just because I know she's always so frustrated from work and then I'm never there. Never ever.
But I hate being there. I don't know.
I hate being here, too. I just want to leave sometimes. Run away. Try something new. I might run away once it gets warmer outside.
I'm really stuck; I need something new. I need excitement. I need to get what I fucking asked and paid for.
I need my friends. I need some friends back, and I need new ones.
I need to stop eating so much, I'm sick of food. Sick of it sick of it sick of it.
I've just got to keep smoking. It only helps me relax for a little while, but it helps me articulate my feelings. What feelings?
This random mass of complete bullshit that I don't have any idea where it's coming from?
Where is everything coming from?
I feel like I'm going to vomit.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I just want to sleep. For a long time. I want to read books and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes, and that's it. That's all I can handle. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to do anything else. I'm scared of being productive, because I'm always scared that it's not good enough.
It hurts to think that no one's probably going to read these words of mine that I've poured my heart into. No one will ever know how much confusion I'm going through, because I keep everything bottled up and I don't know how to say with my mouth exactly what's going on.
I can't speak; I can't think; I can't really feel anymore. I don't know if I want to or not.
There are a few happy things I keep thinking off, but I dismiss them quickly. It's as if I don't want to feel happiness.

There's a naked bubby in the bed and I can see his nads!

Today has been rather unproductive.
I called off of work (lying that I was sick) so I could go to the school to get information about the SATs and colleges, only after calling Mr. Gow and finding out I didn't have to go in. Son of a bitch.
Debating on whether or not to go to work tomorrow. I kind of want to, but I kind of don't because I'm not sure if I'll have a ride home, and uncertainties suck. Then again, my mom might be able to pick me up. Yeah, hopefully.
Okay, right now, I am declaring that I am going to work tomorrow, and my mother will pick me up. I believe we're supposed to go to South Bend at like 4 something, so that should take up a lot of my day while Josh is away at work.
It's kind of hard to take self-portaits. I never know if the camera is focused. I mean, I try things like putting sticky notes or pins behind where I want my head to be, so at least I know I'm in the shot, but then I never know if I'm focused correctly. It sucks.
I'm very, very bored. I need some more friends.
But I like Tic-Tacs. The end.